Scared.

i'm feeling scared, a rush of darkness just kopes my heart. the other day, i just had a "quarrel" with my mum. i know she meant good. she just keep on telling me to practice my piano. until she had to literally sit there n watch me play. of cos i wasnt very happy with that. but its not her fault. thinking back, i shouldnt be unhappy actually. just that sometimes, when i wan to play piano, she will ask me to do something else for her, "disturbing" my practice time. then when i don feel like playing, she will always ask me to play. but the good thing is that, i actually sat down n play, because there's no escape. so i had to practice, had to play. and i finally be able to play the last part of my 3rd exam song. now everything is much smoother. irony isnt it?

sometimes, i just wonder if people around me ever notices me. my feelings, my thoughts. do they even care if i exist? well the answer is actually yes. they do care. they do show concern. but its just.. it just doesnt feel rite. its like everyone is going their own way. nobody ever saw me as who i am. i just feel.. transparent. its like, it doesnt matter if i am there or not, or who i am, or wat i am thinking. as long as i dont do something wrong that will 害到 them, as long as i did something that i am suppose to do and finish it without "extra" stuffs. stuffs that are from me. for example, if i think that doing something this way is better, i would have done it this way, but no. i cant. i just have to do wat i've told.

yst night. had a "chit chat" with teddy, sky and haru. its like they don realise i can be special too. that i am not just the gal next door or just any other gal. sort of like "taught them a lesson" LOL! feels so glad that i had actually spoken by mind this time. well it doesnt matter, cos, this is just who i am ba. it feels really good to speak ur mind. and make ppl for once, notice u as who u are. i am getting frustrated. and desperate. == oh i hate to admit that. ==

i just feels like i am not living. its like going into hell. after "quarrelling" with my mum, i cant help but cry. i went to "bath", and cried while i was bathing, hoping to cover my cries with the sound of rushing water. i don wan my family to see me cry. but, it really pain me.. to tell my mum de truth. i bet she cried too. and it really pained my heart. but, will she understand de pain i felt for her in my heart? hai. i don blame her, i don intend to tell her anyway.. i think somehow, i just wish someone would understand and be there for me..

you know when i cry, i really cried my heart out. it feels so pain. its like eating u from inside out. u wish to scream, to tell someone to just shout. but u cant. tears keep on rolling down ur cheeks. u cant seem to control de pain, the feeling of been eaten up by despair. its so scary. it felt like i had to make a decision that time. to live freely or to be controlled. and i choose to be controlled. because i don wan to hurt my parents.

i don know if my knight will ever come and "resue" me. i don know if i will ever fall in love again and be crazy over him. but i know, God has something planned for me. and its the BEST. so while i wait, i wish i can get this feeling away from my head. pls give me strength God. =D

LoVes,
-pEiyaN-