ITS CONFUSING.. ISNT IT? @_@
actually.. i really don plan to update anymore.. but u.. u all.. (yanling, jaz, anata, KK, soul teddy..) and alot more ppl gave me de strength.. i think i can finally found something to hold on to.. and therefore i posted everything that i had wrote de night b4..
maybe after reading them u'll find out that i'm actually a very dark person.. maybe u'll get scared n run away.. but i don blame u.. sometimes me myself i cant stand myself too.. lols! maybe that is de consquences of keeping everything to urself ba..
but anyway.. i wan to thank you anata.. u really have help me alot & gave me hope! ^^ n my promise to u is still there.. just that mayeb this time it will take me longer time to recover ba.. but all in all THANK YOU!
and to everyone else too! THANKS ALOT! ^^ jaz i saw ur msg at ur blog.. yanling also.. thank you for asking me wat is happening.. n telling me that i'm alive.. hahas.. but maybe i breath carbon dioxide leh.. LOLS! xD
but still.. somethings are so confusing.. is it me or that everyone else felt that too? my mum always ask me to work work work.. like de computer.. she use de desktop to play neopets.. sometimes a whole day.. sometimes even up till 2 plus in de morning.. i always ask her to sleep.. then if i wan to use de desktop play audi a while she'll say no.. go practice de piano.. then she'll start her "lecture" about me not caring about my piano practice then wat for i learn it? sometimes she walk in me on msn.. n doing my sch work.. she always says that i'm playing.. n say that wo bu hao.. but i'm really doing my sch work! then she'll say i bu hao.. make me feel guilty.. but wat can i do? nao dao don do my work? playing de piano also.. when i playing she just do her things.. i don mind that.. but i always have to ask her how was it.. then she'll say its good.. but bu gou hao.. even sometimes i willingly sit down n practice.. how much more must i give out? i really don know.. when she use de internet to look at her gu dongs.. she say she doing work.. i respected her.. but when i'm doing work why do u have to say that i'm playing? i didnt even complain, like i use to when i was small, about u using too much com.. i care for ur health too.. but all u said was da ren de shi xiao hai bu dong.. but i really know it..
my dad also.. out of de sudden he'll say that ur piano like tui bu le.. but in fact i'm improving.. i now can even sight-read a little le.. then he ask that maths need tution? but de fact is i still can cope.. i understands my maths..
i know they are caring for me.. i really know that.. but too many things make me cant feel it.. not that i don let her use de internet or anything.. but ur health is important too.. if i can feel u caring for me why cant u feel that i'm caring for u? maybe both of us used de wrong methods.. how long must i continue this kind of relationship with them? i really didnt mean to hurt them..
my grandma also.. she keep on feeding me.. she'll ask wan to eat ma almost every hour.. 45kg me become 50kg n + a little when she come.. it never drops.. not that i complaining.. but when it becomes a habit to her..if i don eat at home she'll say like i don need her le.. i wan to jian fei.. who says anything about jian fei? i dont even plan to.. just that i don wan to eat.. because she'll sad thats why i always try to eat at home.. especially dinner.. ou er go out with my sisters than eat ouside.. but she still don seem satisfied.. i'm really tired..
despite all these.. de skys still seems so blue.. i think somethings wont ever change while others will change like don know wat.. thanks all those who stood by me.. i'm really greatful.. & so sorry.. if i hurt u b4.. pls forgive me.. wo zhi cuo le..
dead.. i'm dead.. i wont live anymore..
