IT HURTS.. STILL HURTS ALOT..
watever happened still hurts alot.. i "cried" to sleep yst.. i went to sleep cos i'm too tired yst.. i don wan to sleep.. tears were flowing down..
wat i type yst.. rows n rows of tears were flowing down.. lucky my grandma is asleep.. then everyone else too.. its funny.. isnt it? she's just sleeping behind me.. n if i turn or make some noise she will know i'm crying.. other times too.. i cried in de toliet.. in my bed.. she's just right outside de toliet.. or beside my bed.. did she know i cried?
this morning too.. i woke up n realise i still rmb.. can i really forget about everything n treat it as nothing? how can i forget? i don wan to.. its part of my life.. n evern if i can.. my mum wont forget.. my grandma wont forget.. they'll still keep on reminding me of that.. my mum.. she always mention that i buy for u all de hair de thingy but u never use.. de bag i buy for u u never cherish.. n things like that.. i really love them alot! when i lost them.. damaged them.. i'm hurt! i wan to kill myself! why didnt i be more careful? but i wont.. cos i don wan another bei ju.. although they have been damaged, i still love them as it is.. n because i am often careless.. i rather i keep them n don wear them until some important things come up.. i wanted them to pei wo in de most important ocassions.. but u always says that i don take care of them.. i'm hurt.. then wat for i keep them? i might rather throw them away.. u always see me as someone who wont care.. i will.. i even skipped my lunch n don but stuff that i like.. i don even wan to go out.. so i can keep those $ for next week or next next week.. then u wont have so much naggings on me using too much $ or u have to work extra hard to get de $..
i know i'm very lucky to get into this course n i cherish it.. i know my limits but still i work for de best.. so u can see me suceed.. did u know that?
this morning i'm crying agian.. until now.. i'm still crying.. how much tears do i have? i have watched a movie.. de gal cried because her husband is going to jail.. n graduately.. her eyes cannot see.. will i turn into her one day? if i did i think my mum is going to kill me.. adults don really find out wat happen do they? they always assume that its like that.. my grandma "scolded" me this morning.. she said that go eat ur breakfast! if not later lunch don eat again.. i know she's caring.. but pls.. i'm hurt now.. even i don eat lunch at 12 i can eat at 2.. i'll still have my dinner at 7.. don worry.. i'm crying still.. if they just walk into my know now they'll know i'm crying.. but they didnt..
i know wat they did is out of de best for me.. but i really need a break.. all ur carings are naggings.. scoldings.. negative words.. i always tried to look for de positive meanings in it.. but i cant anymore.. i don wish to understand anymore.. i don wan to think.. i just wan to live each day as it is..
now stoping crying! if she know i'm crying she'll surely say u cry for wat? yst is already over.. but is it? hurts.. it always leave a scare in my heart.. i feel my heart been locked up again.. hao bu rong yi anata opened it little by little.. but now its been locked again.. so cold.. so dead.. no warmth.. my heart is like been locked up by thousands of locks.. chains.. how much time now do i need to recover? i really don know..
and lastly.. i'm so sorry jaz.. i made u think of de past n cry.. i didnt mean it.. i know u did see de real inside me.. thanks for that.. but my strength is slipping away.. i really don wan to fight anymore.. i'm tired.. i wan to learn de sleeping beauty.. but this time round there will be no prince.. no waking up.. sorry jaz.. *huggies..*
dead.. i'm dead.. i wont live anymore..
